How To Be More Assertive

What is assertiveness?

Being assertive is the skill of saying what we need or want, or protecting ourselves from what we do not want, whilst respecting the needs and rights of others. It is being able to communicate appropriately in a direct, open and honest way.

When we allow the needs, opinions or judgement of others to become more important than our own, we may feel hurt, anxious and even angry. This kind of behaviour is often indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying.

Many people feel that if they attend to their legitimate needs and assert their rights they are being selfish. Selfishness, however, is concerned with only our own rights, with little or no regard for others. Implicit in our rights is the fact that we are concerned about the legitimate rights of others as well.

Assertiveness is sometimes seen as the mid-point between passive and aggressive ways of being.

Being passive

Being passive may be a response to feeling that we must be ‘nice’ people. We may become compliant, believing that certain behaviours will lead to our being judged and rejected, or we may fear confrontation and become anxious to avoid this. Passive behaviour can be perceived as manipulative and may elicit a care-taking, non-challenging response in others.

Being aggressive

Being aggressive may be a response to feeling powerless. Aggressive behaviour may be any behaviour which gives us power over others. It may take the form of threats, bullying, sarcasm, fighting etc. It is likely to elicit a defensive or aggressive response from others.

Behaving both passively and aggressively

Sometimes this can happen when we keep feelings locked inside, leading to a state of resentment. If we are always ‘nice’, this can leave us feeling that we are often exploited. If the build-up gets too much, we may get to a point where we explode inappropriately or at the wrong target.

Learning to be assertive. (Not saying ‘yes’ when we really mean ‘no’.)

It is important to connect to our feelings and use them to help us recognise what we want to change. It will help if we can express our emotions to an appropriate person in a non-blaming way. Communicating our feelings gives us a chance to be better understood or improve our relationships.

Brooding too long over an incident is only likely to make matters worse. Non-assertive people often assume others should be able to spot their hurt or anger even though they don’t say what they feel.

We can set clear boundaries by learning to say no without apologising unnecessarily. Excuses, apologies and explanations may be superfluous.Whilst knowing that our agenda is important, it is helpful to take time to hear another’s point of view and to remember that it is not always possible to get what we want.

Change does not happen overnight, and others may react differently to us as we change. Learning to be assertive is about experimenting with new ways of communicating.

Three steps to assertive behaviour

1. Identify the behaviour that concerns you: e.g. "when you put me down about the way I look..."

2. Identify your feelings about the behaviour: e.g. "I feel angry and deflated..."

3. Say what you want to happen: e.g. "and I would like you to consider my feelings and not do it again."

Assertion Rights

1. I have the right to state my own needs and to set my own priorities as a person, independent of any roles that I may assume in my life.

2. I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being.

3. I have the right to express my feelings.

4. I have the right to express my opinions and values.

5. I have the right to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ for myself.

6. I have the right to make mistakes.

7. I have the right to change my mind.

8. I have the right to say that I don’t understand.

9. I have the right to ask for what I want.

10. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems.

11. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.

12. Other people have the right to all of the above.

Suggested Reading on Assertiveness:

Alberti, R.E. and Emmons, M.L. - "Your Perfect Right" Impact
Dickson, Anne - "A Woman in Your Own Right" Quartet Books, London
Jeffers, S. - "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" Century
Lindenfield, G. - "Assert Yourself" Thorsons
Rees, S. and Graham, R.S. - "Assertion Training: How to be Who You Really Are" Routledge
Walmsley, C. - "Assertiveness, The Right to Be You" B.B.C.